Wake Up to Donut Earth Truth!!!
Satire by Ginny Stoner
Image by Ginny Stoner | nworeporter.com
For over two thousand years, people believed the earth was a sphere. Even Columbus believed it before he set sail, although creative historian Washington Irving told us he thought it was flat. It made a great tale for school history books.
Now it’s called Ball Earth theory because it’s as silly as child’s play. It was all an elaborate hoax by ancient Illuminutty to keep the true shape of Earth a secret!
Pythagoras started the ball earth hoax around 500 BCE. For centuries afterward, sailors navigated the world without GPS. They were guided by the stars, and gauged their distance from land by raising and dipping landmarks and lights, based on the fake curvature of Earth. It’s a miracle any of them reached their destination.
The ball earth hoax was finally exposed in 2014, although it took a few years to get the true shape of Earth right. The quest for Truth was spearheaded by an army of YouTubers and alternative media personalities who suddenly had a “revelation:” the earth was not round, it was flat. Humanity was a giant experiment trapped in the Petri dish of the Illuminutty. The truth was right there, hiding in plain site on the United Nations flag. Or so it appeared.
The map on the U.N. flag seemed like clear evidence of a flat earth, but a lot of ball earthers refused to accept it. It’s known as cognitive dissonance, which makes people deny facts that conflict with their deeply held beliefs.
To make matters worse, there was a mountain of compelling evidence that the earth was, in fact, a sphere.
For flat earthers, there was only one logical explanation: the evidence was fake, or an illusion. It only seems as if ships disappear over the horizon. It only seems as if the tops of tall buildings are visible from a distance, while their lower parts are not. The sun and the moon are actually disks, or holograms, or anything other than spheres.
Videos of twenty-four daylight in Antartica: fake. Expeditions to the interior of Antarctica: fake. Direct flights in the southern hemisphere--all fake. Even airplane windows are made of special glass to make the earth look curved.
Then there was the problem of NASA. It was clear to everyone with a few working brain cells that NASA was faking stuff--a lot of stuff. Nicknamed “Never A Straight Answer,” NASA had been passing off composite images as photos from outer space for decades. Astronauts couldn’t even agree on whether or not they could see stars from space. And judging from the rovers, there were carwashes and rover repairmen on Mars--and rodents, too.
For flat earthers, the conclusion was obvious: NASA was faking stuff; therefore, the earth was flat. It was basic Common Core Logic 101. What other explanation could there possibly be?
But eventually, flat earthers were overwhelmed with undeniable evidence of Earth curvature. They began to hedge their bets, suggesting the earth might be convex, like a turtle shell. But calling themselves “flattish earthers” just didn’t sound very truthish.
Finally, in 2018, a team of expert cartographers conducted a detailed analysis of the map on the U.N. flag, and realized where everyone had gone wrong. The innermost circle on the map wasn’t a latitudinal line at all--it depicted a hole, like the hole in a donut. And donuts aren’t flat, they have curvature--especially the cake variety. Suddenly the pieces of the truth puzzle all fit together.
The granddaddy of all conspiracies had finally been exposed: the earth is not a sphere, nor is it flat. We live on a Donut Earth.
As the great philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer once said, all truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed; second, it is violently opposed; and third, it is accepted as self-evident.
Donut Earth theory was no exception. It faced major opposition in the beginning, especially when it came out that its most vocal proponents were being secretly funded by Krispy Kreme.
But a major worldwide marketing initiative eventually won people over. For an entire year, Krispy Kreme offered a free special edition Earth donut with the purchase of a cup of coffee (limit one per customer per day). Its catchy campaign slogan, “Wake up to the donut!” is still popular among truthers and cops to this day.
According to Donut Earth theory, the Arctic and Antarctic continents merge on the underside of the donut earth, forming a layer of frozen creamy white icing that wraps around the sides to hold in the ocean water on top.
The sun is just like the light bulb in the Easy Bake Ovens our grandparents played with as children. It rotates around the top of the donut earth, slowly baking it over billions of years, until it’s done enough to support life.
Cosmologists believe there are millions of donut earths just like ours in the universe. But many are still too gooey to walk on, or too crispy or not moist enough for Goldilocks’ taste.
Some day, in the far distant future, our Donut Earth will reach a profound state of over-browning. The intense heat will cause a cataclysmic explosion and melt the earth back into dough, creating millions of potential new donut worlds. Cosmologists call this the miniature donut stage. These infant donut worlds will drift through the freezer of the universe for millennia until they reach another Easy Bake solar system like ours.
Why did the ancient Illuminutty create the great ball earth hoax in the first place? Was it to stop us from literally consuming our own world for breakfast each morning? With a population of billions, our Donut Earth might have been all eaten up by now. Or maybe they didn’t want us to live in constant fear that God would dunk our planet in his coffee.
One thing is for sure: the elites surely have their own private donut mines, and are keeping the tastiest morsels for themselves.