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Papa Jan was odd...He was always saying things vigorously and with enthusiasm and yet giving Chip the feeling that he didn't mean them at all, that he meant in fact their exact opposites.


-- This Perfect Day by Ira Levin, Chapter 2


A Parents' Guide to the New Normal


By Ginny Stoner | nworeporter.com

Image by David Dees | deesillustration.com


January 6, 2043

They're the most critical concerns of every parent:  Is my child normal, or preferably, better than normal?  Am I being the best parent I can be? 


The answers to these questions can be quite confusing for parents in today's modern world where the definition of "normal" is rapidly evolving.


In response to these concerns, the National Institutes of Health has released A Parent's Guide to the New Normal.  This helpful guide addresses common questions many parents have during their child's developmental years -- and even into adulthood, for parents of the many neurologically-challenged children who will never be self-sufficient in the new normal world.


"No parent should have to experience the pain and agony of disapproval from others by making parenting decisions that conflict with community norms," said NIH spokesman Dr. Opey D. Ant, "a consistent and uniform parenting protocol, coupled with extensive official intervention in the lives of everyone, is the key to a manageable global order."


Dr. Ant explained that antiquated parenting ideas such as "maximizing a child's unique, individual potential" have become counterproductive in today's collective society, and can lead to a lifetime of alienation, rejection, confinement in institutions, and even suicide.


The Guide is presented in a convenient question-and-answer format, and addresses common questions parents have about childhood health and behavior.    


The most important thing for parents to remember is that nutrient deficiencies, chemical additives, genetically modified food, toxins, and food intolerances have nothing whatsoever to do with the state of a child's physical or mental health or behavior.  Parents should bear in mind that they are not competent to research and form their own conclusions in this regard!  Simply consult your professional medical or mental health services provider to obtain the necessary treatments, prescriptions, vaccinations, tests and/or surgeries your child requires to set them on the road to a semblance of health.


Here's a little peek at what parents will find inside the Guide:


  • Have your child's eyes lost their sparkle, or are they surrounded by dark circles?  Normal!  Just continue with the recommended vaccine schedule, ensure your child's diet is rich in GMOs and chemicals, and purchase eye drops and cover cream to improve his appearance in family pictures.


  • Does your child have autism or autism spectrum disorder?  Normal!  Just continue with the recommended vaccine schedule, ensure your child's diet is rich in GMOs and chemicals, and contact your local Medicaid office to get a list of the benefits and services available to ameliorate the destruction of her life.


  • Does your child have asthma? Normal!  Just continue with the recommended vaccine schedule, ensure your child's diet is rich in GMOs and chemicals, and make sure your child stays within 10 feet of an inhaler every moment of every day for the rest of his life.


  • Does your child have chronic allergies?  Normal!  Just continue with the recommended vaccine schedule, ensure your child's diet is rich in GMOs and chemicals, and remind your child each morning that ingestion of the offending allergen may result in her immediate death. 


  • Does your child have an aggravating tendency to question authority?  Not normal!  But don't worry, help is available.  Continue with the recommended vaccine schedule, ensure your child's diet is rich in GMOs and chemicals, increase his intake of fluoride, and visit your mental health professional for reeducation and appropriate drugs to free his inner zombie.    


All parents and parents-to-be should obtain the new Guide as soon as possible.  Remember, good health begins in the womb!  Expectant mothers should diligently follow the recommended vaccine schedule, ensure their diet is rich in GMOs and chemicals, find a god to believe in, and pray their baby survives unscathed.

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