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National Security Agency | Online Super Spy Program

Eligibility Quiz


  • Are you 17 or older?

  • Do you crave the approval of authority?

  • Do you have a background in technology, security, brown nosing, stalking, obsessive gaming or Internet addiction?

  • Do you dream of superhero powers that allow you to peek into the secret lives of spouses, lovers, exes, and others you seek to control or destroy?

  • Do you think you are vastly more intelligent than others, but are too insecure to tell anyone?

  • Have you always wanted to be a spy?

NSA Announces Job Openings at

Elite 007 Online Super Spy Program

By Ginny Stoner |

Image by EFF via Wiki Commons {CC-by-SA 2.0} | Remix by Ed. |

December 20, 2042

If you answered "yes" to any of the questions above,

the next 007 Super Spy might be you!

  • Be a soldier for the Global Overlords in the battle to save humanity from itself!

  • Join the NSA's mission to record and analyze all activities, communications, thoughts, habits and bodily functions of everyone, everywhere, all the time!

  • Receive prizes for your winning entries in the NSA weekly "Best of" competition for the Hottest, Funniest, Stupidest, Weirdest and Most Disgusting surveillance footage!

  • Earn extra money marketing data to the Extortion, Dark Porn and Muckraker industries!

As a 007 Super Spy, you will receive a comprehensive salary and benefits package, including affordable medical insurance with unlimited vaccine and microchip coverage; short and long term disability; a generous theoretical retirement plan; and 24 paid nondenominational holidays each year.

All 007 Super Spies work a 40-hour week, and are required to sacrifice their souls, their values (if any), and all remaining traces of their humanity as a condition of employment. 

Testimonials from satisfied 007 spies abound.  Milt Reptyle left his job on the Geek Squad last year to pursue a career as a 007 Super Spy, and he couldn't be happier. 

"The minute I saw target G7032499 in the shower through her iPhone 22.3," said Reptyle, "I knew this was the right job for me.  She really made up for a lot of girls who just don't look that great underneath.


"Once she even mentioned me on the phone  -- she said I 'smell like canned tuna' and have 'the charm of a Cottonmouth.'  Those Texas girls have a weird way of saying things, but I'm pretty sure she meant that I'm like a brilliant dolphin, trapped in a can of tuna commoners, and my wit is quicker and more deadly than snake venom. 

"I carry her words with me everywhere I go, and listen to them whenever I'm feeling a little down, or lonely, and usually at bedtime."   

As a 007 Super Spy, you will have the opportunity to associate with other like-minded soldiers of the New World Order, and hone your ability to comply with even the most repugnant, nonsensical and illegal of orders. 

The NSA is dedicated to maintaining a nondiscriminatory, soulless work place, where everyone is equally dispensable, especially with expanding improvements in robotic surveillance and automated data mining software.  

A complete job description and application instructions are available online.
  The positions are expected to fill quickly, so apply now before it's too late!