"Virus tests are highly sensitive," explained Dr. Eustace Racket, head of the Fearmonger Division of the CDC. 

"Testing blood for a virus like Ebola or HIV is like bringing a woman to orgasm -- you can't just stick it in and expect a great result.  The virus test has to get to know the patient a little first, to feel a human connection.  Then you roll the dice and hope for the best.

"Whether we're using a quickie test kit in the field, or running sophisticated tests in the relaxed ambiance of the lab, the first step is to introduce the patient's blood to the testing equipment.  We go over the patient's answers to the interview questions with the test -- tell it how the patient has been feeling, where they've been, who they've been seeing lately, etc.  Then we try to gauge whether the test is ready to go further.

"If the test still seems hesitant, we try to make it feel more comfortable.  We may try dimming the lights, offering it a glass of wine, or putting on a Barry White CD.  Options are more limited if we're using a quickie test kit in the field, so we may just go ahead and do the test anyway, and see what happens."

We wondered, after all these moves, how scientists could be sure they'd achieved the correct result -- and perhaps more importantly, how we could be sure the virus even causes disease in the first place, considering any given human has hundreds of thousands of unknown bacteria and viruses inside them all the time.  Dr. Racket had this to say:

"Well, again, like women and orgasms, there are some things you just have to accept on faith.  You're never going to be completely sure it wasn't all faked."

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